Tomorrow I will be leaving for Bonnaroo with my boyfriend, one of my best friends, and one of her best friends. It will be a life-changing experience.



I...
Can't...
Wait.

BONNAROO!

Life and Death

I considered my mortality today. I went out with my wonderful friend Elizabeth today to take pictures. She's somewhat of an amateur photographer, so I went with her today to a very old cemetery in town to take pictures. She got this queasy feeling after a while and just didn't feel right being there. As I was walking around sort of on my own, it just didn't seem like there were hundreds of human bodies underneath my feet. I knew there were, but without seeing it it was just hard to imagine. Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't care after I was dead if people were walking on top of my grave (although I'd prefer cremation) because my body wouldn't mean anything to the world. It was just a shell for a brain, for knowledge, for energy necessary to set my hands and mind in motion while I was alive. Not that the bodies of the dead shouldn't be revered and respected, I'm not saying to jump up and down and dig them up and hold fiestas on top of them. All I'm saying is that I don't mind what's done with my body once my soul is done using it. Cut it up for science. Bury it. Cremate it. I don't care. Just don't treat it like a living thing anymore; it'll be useless to this world once my energy leaves it.

There's another thought I've been mulling over for several months now- what is a life? Where did it come from? Where did it ALL come from? I've been beginning to think that maybe there isn't so much of a divine creator as much as there is this large, unifying energy that we're all created from and return to once life leaves our earthly bodies. But then again, maybe all God is essentially is a big ball of energy that he can direct portions of to whatever he wishes.

Deep.

Once again, I've gotten off the phone with my boyfriend wanting to throw it across the room, hoping for it to smash to bits. He was telling me a story, and I accidentally ruined it by making a comment about it during the middle of it. Well, he got really upset and wouldn't finish the story and then said he had to go. Once again I'm left feeling dejected and as if the stupid bickering we've been doing lately is my fault. Why am I always made to feel like its never anyone else's fault but mine anytime something happens like this between two people in a relationship? I even apologized as soon as it happened and that didn't help. And I think it takes a lot for a person to apologize, especially right after they've made someone upset and they themselves are upset as well. So he cut off the conversation and I hung up the phone. I always want to end our conversations feeling happy about being with him but twice in a week I'm left on the brink of tears and bubbling with anger. I don't enjoy this. Twice in a week I've called back minutes later to try to repair things because I don't want the rest of my evening ruined by feelings of sadness over getting upset with each other on the stupid phone. I even apologized again and asked if there was more to the story. He said there was but he didn't feel like telling me because it was a story he thought was funny but I ruined it. Well I'm fucking sorry I had NO IDEA THAT THE STORY WAS GOING MUCH FURTHER AND THAT MAKING A SIMPLE COMMENT ABOUT IT WOULD RUIN THE WHOLE GODDAMNED THING. Jesus Christ. I am sick of this feeling. I suffered it way too often in my last relationship. I am NOT always the cause of an upset. Things are NOT always my fault.

Because I can't be with him very often, talking to him on the phone and thinking good thoughts about him the rest of the time are all I've got to go on between the times that we do get to see each other this summer. Thanks for ruining yet another one of my evenings.

ROO ROO ROO

The Bonnaroo tickets arrived just a bit ago... and WOW do they look sweet. I can't wait to go; it's going to be a life-changing experience. A teacher's husband last night was telling me and my mom that two kids died at Hookahville a few weekends ago because they took some bad drugs, and my mom looked at me and jokingly said "well, now you know not to take any bad drugs."

Little does she know.

So tonight I went with my mom to an end of the year teacher party that one of her fellow staff members had. It was fine and all but then I stumbled on a chair on my way down to sitting on it and allll the teachers saw it and laughed and assumed i was trashed. Yeah I had been drinking but that was not the cause of the fall. So that brought my pride way down, then around 9 (when minutes are free) I eagerly went to the front yard to call my boyfriend, needing an escape from my mother who was slowly getting buzzed and telling me things I really didn't feel like listening to. Welllll he was too busy getting ready to go uptown and told me he had to go, so I didn't get to talk to him. Bring on the tears. I guess it was a combination of me not wanting to be there, my mom annoying me, falling down, and then the icing on the cake that was him telling me he had to go. So I stomped back to the back yard and of course my mom wanted to know what was wrong and I didn't feel like telling her but of course she pursued it, so I went back to the front yard and called him back, telling him he's the one person I wanted to talk to all day and he pushes me away. He pulled the "well what do you want me to do about it?" and the "I'm sorry" followed by a long awkward pause because I wasn't about to say "it's ok" because it wasn't. And of course I was sniffling because I was nearly crying and I said "I just wanted to hear about your day" and he said "just like every other day" (BAD RESPONSE) and I said "well that doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it." The first time I called and he tried to get off the phone I asked why he didn't call me before he left if he knew he'd be leaving around the time I called. A sheepish "I don't know" is all I got for a reply. All I wanted was maybe an apology for having little time to talk but still taking a mere 5 minutes to ask me about my day, tell me about his, and then thank me for the e-mail I sent last night giving him protein alternatives for a person omitting meat from their diet. Sometimes I don't know if making an effort this summer is worth it when it often seems as if I'm the one trying the hardest. I'm sure I'll take that back soon enough but right now I'm rather irritated.

It's gotten much better. I went to visit, we talk daily, I'll make it. I've been working, planting things in the yard, spending some good quality time with the family, and enjoying getting into shape. Sorta in shape. Really that means riding my bike almost every day and trying to eat better. It's a start.

Now I won't say I'm over what I was upset about in my last post, but I'm getting happier. I got to see this today at Cedar Falls in the Hocking Hills area. I start work tomorrow, which will take my mind off things.

I'm alive, I'm well, I should be more thankful for what I have.